The Death of Me: An 8th House Saturn Return Story

The Saturn return is one of those major transits that has made its way into the zeitgeist. It's the ultimate coming-of-age era, and doomsayers will warn you to prepare for the worst. Then I looked over at my own chart with Saturn in Pisces in the 8^th house- those doomsayers' favorite scariest house! It’s not a lie when I say that I was a bit anxious about what the next three years of Saturn in Pisces had in store for me.

Long story short, my Saturn return wasn’t as terrible as one might imagine. There were absolutely some horrific moments, and I suppose that’s just the nature of life. But overall, I’m graduating my Saturn return with a newfound- and unexpected- sense of purpose.

But before we get into all that, let’s break down the important astrological pieces that are important to understand about my Saturn Return story.

What is a Saturn Return?

A planet’s return refers to when a planet in the sky (a transiting planet) returns to the same spot in the zodiac where it was when you were born (your natal placement). With Saturn being one of the slower moving planets, it takes approximately 27.5-30 years to make a return.

Saturn is the planet of restriction, commitment, authority, responsibility, and time. Saturn is considered to be a malefic planet, meaning the experiences it brings are often challenging. During a Saturn return, the above themes will be highlighted in your life.

What is the 8th House?

The 8^th house represents death, other people’s money/resources, sexuality/intimacy, depth psychology, and secrets.  It’s a dark house where your deepest shames tend to reside.

What is Pisces?

Pisces is a mutable water sign. It’s marked by its dreamy, idealistic nature. Prone to escapism, Pisces loves a fantasy, which can be a great source of hope. Conversely, this same trait can offer a rose-tinted glasses outlook that may lead to missing red flags.

My Saturn Placement

As mentioned, my natal Saturn is in Pisces in the 8^th house. As a Leo rising, Saturn rules Capricorn in my 6^th house of illness, routines, and work; it also rules Aquarius in my 7^th house of partnership.

Saturn makes connections (aspects) to two other planets in my natal chart. It squares my Gemini Moon, and also squares my Jupiter in Sagittarius. This configuration is called a T-square, and often leads to tension, unresolved patterns, or conflict.

My Saturn Return Story

(TLDR: This song was pretty much my life for the past 3 years. That, and interesting money stuff!)

Part 1: Sinking to the Depths

The simplistic, anxiety-riddled interpretation of my Saturn placement had me catastrophizing.

Will I meet my demise? Will someone else I know? Maybe my dad or my partner? My cat?! Saturn rules my 6^th house, which does rule small animals, plus I do live with chronic illness… AHH!

Well, no. None of the above cam close to happening, thankfully! Although, if you want to count metaphorical deaths, I did go through very deep and painful losses.

On the day Saturn entered Pisces in March of 2023, I experienced the most traumatizing abandonment in a relationship I’ve ever faced. I’m not going to share details, because even over 3 years later, it still hurts. This is one of those wounds where healing means just learning to live with the pain. What I will say is that what happened devastated me and wiped my spirit out my body.

During this period of my life, I lost my sense of self and my ability to trust my reality. If I was so wrong about believing in someone who I’d been so sure of, there was no telling what else I could be wrong about.  If felt like my whole life had been a Piscean illusion, and I could no longer find the ground to stand on. I can't tell you how many weeks the resulting depression disrupted my eating and sleeping. Yet, somehow I managed to stay adrift and began to collect the pieces to put myself back together again.

So that was partner A. Partner B and I had been in a long-term relationship before I arrived at my dark night of the soul. Towards the end, we had already started to grow apart, and this Taurus Sun girlie was holding on for much longer than she should have. The upheaval in my other relationship was the push I needed to let things go. I was in no state to be anyone’s partner at the time, and I didn’t want to drag someone else down with me. So the first relationship I’d ever had came to an end just shy of our 7^th year anniversary. The irony of 7 years marking a Saturn cycle is not lost on me.

I went from 2 stable, long-term relationships to feeling like I had no one. For the first time in my adult life, it was just me and me. No safety net, no “other people’s resources” that would catch me if I fell. It was a very lonely time, and my bad habit of having an inability to let go once again reared its head.

So… I did move in with Partner A, and we tried to work things out. Don’t give me that face! When your options are to move in with a partner you’re on the fritz with or be on the streets, you’d probably make the same choice.

Despite everything that happened between us earlier in the year, there was never a doubt that we loved each other. It was the trauma of external circumstances that seeped its way into our relationship and led to me feeling betrayed. So, I leaned into idealism and chose to believe that repair was possible.

What was supposed to be a 3-month stay turned into me living with Partner A for two years. It was neither of our intentions to have this arrangement for long, but in regrounding ourselves in our friendship and genuine love for each other as people, we discovered that we were actually pretty good roommates!

Throughout my time living with Partner A, there were so many moments of joy and laughter, yet there was also a darker undercurrent that ran closer to the reality that various aspects of our relationship were irrevocably damaged.

I had a lot of baggage about Partner A’s condo. Essentially, the abandonment that kicked off my dark night of the soul was centered around Partner A’s condo. I was expecting myself to rebuild security in my relationship in an environment that was inherently emotionally unsafe. But I tried my damnedest!

Despite my best efforts to embrace the fantasy, the reality was that living together felt like confinement. When I chose to move in, I don’t think I nor Partner A were truly ready to face the issues in our relationship. The same conditions that gave us ample opportunity to deepen our bond, also made it impossible to look away from that ruptures between us.

In a way, this created an unsustainable pressure in our relationship, and it resulted in our sexual intimacy disappearing. Our original spark was the type you gush to your diary about, and just like that, the eroticism vanished. Another abandonment.

And that was our relationship until it ultimately ended when Saturn was gearing up to enter Aries. We both did our best to find each other, but over time, it became an impossible feat.

Did I mention that none of this Partner A drama happened during my exact Saturn return? Lucky for me, the rest of Saturn’s gifts were nowhere near as traumatic. In fact, they were actually pretty cool!

Part 2: Malefic of Sect Growth

With the above relationship turmoil painting the backdrop of my life, I was still able to see my hard work in other endeavors pay off in accomplishment.

The biggest deal is that I graduated with my Masters in Couples and Family Counseling! Way back in 2017, I realized that what I wanted to do with my life is to be a sex therapist.  So I did it! I navigated the horrors of academia at two separate institutions to receive my degree and a certificate in sex therapy. Everyday I wake up and get to help folx explore the emotional and psychological aspects of their intimate relationships. I get to witness the beauty and ugliness of what it means to be vulnerable and share one’s life with another person. Trauma, betrayal, infidelity, and shame have become daily topics in my life. Although the work can get heavy, helping my clients liberate themselves from these 8^th house confines brings me great fulfillment.

The other major theme of my Saturn return was money. I found myself in a years-long finance rabbit hole. Like a lot of Americans, I never received financial literacy education, so I had to figure it out myself. I took many a deep dive into personal finance, debt repayment, investing, retirement, and financial planning. There was a good while where my algorithms only fed me content about money. And I ate it up! Prior to my Saturn return, I never related to the stereotype about Taurus’ and money, but I fear I can no longer claim that I’m not a typical Taurus in this way.

When considering my specific birth chart, my journey with money becomes really intriguing! While I was living with Partner A, there were periods of time where I paid significantly reduced rent. Their generosity allowed me to pay for my sex therapy certificate in full and start paying down some of my debts. I set a goal to be free of credit card debt by my 30^th birthday, and I did it!

Additionally, as a disabled college, then graduate student, the vast majority of my 20’s was spent living social security check to social security check. The limitations of my financial context prevented me from various money milestones, but the cushion of living with Partner A allowed me to take steps in the right direction. I opened my very first savings account at the age of 29 and was able to build up an emergency fund for myself. This is where my natal Saturn being ruled by a domicile Jupiter (in Sagittarius) came in clutch to really benefit me.

I also think that Saturn squaring my 11^th house Moon adds an interesting flavor to my financial story as well. The 11^th house is about community, the collective, and hopes & dreams. A lot of my personal values are centered around community, and in finances, that shows up as a desire to cultivate mutual aid networks, embrace anti-capitalist ideals, and participate in the solidarity economy. Now, the vast majority of the financial resources out there were developed through a capitalist lens and assume that growth and the accumulation of wealth is the goal. That does not work for me, buddy! Not only was it a challenge to track down financial resources that reflected my values, the negotiation of having no choice but to play the game of capitalism and figuring out how to live into my values is a tension that I’ll likely never resolve in my life time. As they say, “it’s easier to imagine the end of the world than it is the end of capitalism” (Fisher, Capitalist Realism).

Also, because Saturn loves a credential, I’ll also mention that I started pursing certification as a financial therapist too. A psychotherapist who’s certified in sex therapy AND financial therapy? It doesn’t get more 8^th house than that! Actually… I also incorporate astrology and other occult tools into my clinical practice at times. Okay, now it doesn’t get more 8^th house than that!

Part 3: Miscellaneous “Astrologer Good” Things

These next few examples don’t necessarily fit into the themes that were a through line during my Saturn return, but I think they still deserve honorable mentions!

Saturn as 6^th House Ruler

• I experienced ups and downs in my chronic health condition. Usually this correlated to the amount of relationship stress I was experiencing.

• Alcohol intake started to affect my vision. I noticed that regardless of the amount that I drank, I would wake up the next day with vision that was slight worse. Needless to say, I stopped drinking for a while. These days, my body doesn’t have the same reaction, and I don’t have to worry about alcohol blinding me more than I already am.

• I had 3 pretty severe falls around the same time due to my ankles randomly giving out. I scraped up my knees very badly, and now they’re permanently scared. Keep in mind that Saturn rules the ankles, knees, and skin. These tumbles happened when transiting Uranus was squaring my natal 1^st house Mars (unexpected injuries), because of course they did.

• I had a significant increase in the amount of uncompensated/volunteer labor and work that had no immediate payoff. I become the chair of The Association for Young Astrologers around the same time that Saturn entered Pisces. Volunteering on the board is position that I adore, but is indeed unpaid. Additionally, after I graduated with my Masters in 2023, it was time to start tracking my hours to qualify for my independent LMFT license. I had to put in the time- 3000 hours’ worth- to move closer to that next step in my career.

• My sleep routine has been majorly disrupted since the start of Saturn’s stint in the final third of Pisces. Eye bags have become my face’s favorite accessory. Hopefully, I’ll be able to build back better sleeping habits. I miss them!

5^th House Jupiter ruling the 8^th House

• I processed a lot of my heavy experiences through creativity. I returned to a songwriting practice and wrote the most scathing songs about Partner A! And also, just really sad ones. Putting my emotions into music helped me feel like some of the heaviness was lifted.

• I also started belly dancing! As someone who is chronically disconnected from her own body, I was not prepared for the way that movement also helped me process the heaviness around me.

• I took a deep dive into Feng Shui, which strangely led to an active interest in commercial real estate. When the group psychotherapy practice I work at started the process of looking for properties to move locations, I jumped at the chance to join the committee for this process! I was mainly motivated by the opportunity for site tours to big empty buildings that were under construction. The committee found a new location that required a build out, and the amount of joy I had giving feedback on proposed floor plans cannot be overstated! However, Saturn did its thing, lease negotiations fell through, and my practice is in the same building where we started. When we finally do get the chance to move again, you know damn well I’ll be front and center with my style guide to help design that entire building.

Conclusion

I first started outlining this blog as Saturn sat in the final degrees of Pisces, and by the time I sat down to complete it, Saturn has been moving through Aries for a couple months. That means I survived my 8^th house Saturn return!

Though there were no literal deaths, there were many aspects of my life and myself that I had to let go of and grieve. Facing the reality of these losses was and still is a deeply painful experience. In my attempt to escape into fantasy, all I learned was that it’s a waste time. If you’re not also grounded in the real world, no amount of optimism will fix your problems.

So, while I was fortunate enough that Saturn wasn't the literal death of me, it still grim-reaped its way over the parts of my life that were keeping me stagnant. It wasn't easy, but with lesson learned and my new degree and certificates in hand, I'll be keeping it real as I embark into this next phase of my adulthood.